Olympic Governing - The Event

When it comes to Olympic sports, we have seen a number of new events added to the roster over the years. Some of them have been received with general nods of approval, such as Volleyball, Badminton and Shooting. Others, well, perhaps a more mixed response, with events like Tug of War and of course the most recent addition, Breakdancing, or Breaking as they call it, because people do love to take a word that has one simple meaning and then adapt it have multiple uses and confuse the hell out of old people. "Breaking News! Breaking is breaking into the Olympics, but could it be the breaking point for the games. We're breaking this down for you after the break!"

Nope, scratch that, apparently not, they've already ditched it for the next one.

Regardless of whether the sport in question is loved, loathed or simply tolerated, the underlying principal of the Olympics is met; Every few years you do everything within your power to compete to beat your opponents, and to win. And then, a few years later, you do it again, and then again, until you are no longer able to compete, and then you get a job on TV or radio depending on your kerb appeal commentating on others doing it.

But, this is not about those tried, tested and in some case, cancelled events. This is about one event, which thus far has never been considered, but, which I believe, belongs firmly within the Olympic schedule.

Governing. And yes, I mean what Governments do. Hear me out.

In most countries, Governments win the right to govern by being voted in (The Olympics has numerous sports that have a voting mechanism for choosing the winner), they then have a fixed timeframe in which to accomplish certain tasks (Loads of Olympic events are time-limited!), they also require a team of individuals to work together to achieve those goals (OMG! There's a bunch of team events in the Olympics!)...this is going so well.

But there is one defining reason that Governing should be an Olympic event. It is because every Government you can think of has a political party currently in charge, because that party wanted to beat another one, and win. And it did. And in a few years time, they will try and do it all over again.

And let's not fall for the political waffle. This isn't because the individuals within each party have some sense of deep moral purpose or a divine guiding destiny for a utopian tomorrow. Nope, that is akin to a world class athlete saying they just wanted to take part and give it a go. No, it is because those people within those political parties want to beat the other lot, because that is the game they play, that is the sport of Governing. They just don't get medals yet, although they do get a better office with a nicer view, a payrise and the ability to affect things that they just so happen to have a vested commercial interest in.

Probably not a factor in why they do it though...

Moving on.

I mean...come on, desire to win, beat the opposition, win votes, do it over and over again...If this doesn't meet the criteria for Olympic Sport then I don't know what does!

In sport, you are in it for yourself. To win. To be number one. In team sport you adapt that self-interest to fit the team in which you are in and then you are in two competitions; one against the opposition from the other team and the other against the opposition from within your team that wants to take your place in that team.

Fuck me sideways, the more I make this up the more it makes sense!

So, every four years, we should include Governing as an Olympic sport, around the same time as they actually go to an election. The competition could be similar to the Decathlon only replacing the running and throwing stuff with other events such as healthcare, education, law and order, environment and basic human rights policies. Ok, maybe include some running or throwing stuff, like baby discus where they have to throw a baby to a colleague who catches and then holds the baby for a totally not staged photoshoot.

Ok, that one probably needs work.

During the heats, those parties (teams) compete against each other for the right to get to the final. In each heat, they must come up with viable, sustainable and deliverable policies within a set timeframe (and maybe throw and catch babies...still no? Fair enough), and the judging panel, which is made up of everyone in the crowd and watching on TV votes for those they think are the best. You get penalty points for doing or saying anything that might be considered political waffle or total bullshit, or simply going full used car salesman and making derogatory comments about the opposition rather than having anything worthwhile to say about your own shit.

Hmm, I'm starting to the see a potential flaw in my idea now. Nobody is going to have any points are they?

Wait, nope, even when every team gets minus scores, which they absolutely all will, because every single one of them is entirely full of shit, and can't help themselves, it still works. It will be like everyone running in the 110 meter hurdles falling over before the finish, you can still put the ones that got the furthest before faceplanting through to the finals.

The final itself is simple, Hunger Games.

What? No? Why? Family friendly prime time what? Wow, you are soooo boring!

Fine, the final has the best eight of a bad lot and they are sent to an island where they have to set up a fully-functional society with all of the basic requirements for a healthy, educated, safe community to live and thrive.

Not bad eh. You thought I'd mess this up didn't you?

And in the middle of the island is a massive pile of sharp stabby weapons and the games ends when everyone on the island is dead.

Bugger. Sorry, couldn't help myself.